The 12 Finalists( From left to right):- Peter (chesty) Baker(bookmaker for the night), Sean (Curtains) Hoskins, Mark (Smelly bum)Osborne, Chris(teetotal) Read, Paul ( the most unlikely looking bank manger, ever!) Harrod, Daaaarren (Ballerina) Laws, Gavin( Casanova) Chillingworth, Glynis( pint of Bacardi) Wall, Mick (Never gets A-N-G-R-Y!!!) Wall, Darren (Free Cabs) Gotts, Max(Haven't been dumped for a month) Wall, Jamie(the only PB footy player to break his leg in a warm up) Butcher.The night was agreed in mid-December in a universal poll so everyone can keep it free! What happened? .........You've got it in one! The most pathetic of excuses for not turning up anyone has ever heard! You see, when these so called in-door sportsman have got a few pints of of the club's finest down their neck they'll promise to do anything!
Well here's a few of the most pathetic ones which deserve a mention!
GARY " I'm the best in the club, EASY!" FLATT :- Can't come I've got the world SUBBUTEO championship!!!
BILLY " Some thieving B ****** has nicked my NEW phone, hold on!What's this lying under the bar stool in the bar" BENNETT :- If I come out I'll spend £80 on drink! Which equates to 29.629629296 pints of Premier!!!! (good-one!)
RYAN "I AM a good dart player! arn't I? Please tell me I am" Lincoln :- I've been struck down with PIG-FLU! (Didn't you pass me in your car Saturday!!!)
Anyway we were all a bit relieved about them NOT turning up as Elf & Safety insisted that if Paul Harrod and Chillo plus the wossy "three" above are all in the same room the decibel reading would be SO HIGH... Earfenders would had to be compulsory!
After extensive preliminary rounds throughout the day, out of the 64 who turned up by 7 pm only twelve remained! (pictured above). Alternating on two tables which had two completely different sets of bowls on them meant the eventual winner would be the person who could adapt best and moreover the one can handle their drink best. As the man in charge was selling all pints at 50p (what a generous chappie) a one off for this auspicious occasion this was always going to be a tall order!
After a friendly game of doubles to warm up to let Peter 'the bookie' Baker set the odds on each player and also allow everyone get a few beers to steady the nerves, the singles draw was made.
The international committee decided on 4 groups of 3 players with the winner of each group going into the semi-finals. The draw was as follows:-
GROUP A :- GOTTS/ WALLY/ BUTCH
GROUP B :- LAWSY/READY/OZ
GROUP C :- HOS / CHILLO/HARROD
GROUP D :- BAKES/MAX/GLYN
In group A on table 1 with the more straighter bowls saw 'novice' Butch go into a 2-0 lead against the old fart Wally until lady luck struck against him. Again holding the nearest and scoring bowl, Wally went to blast the Jack out, missed completely, saw his bowl speed up the table hit the jaws of the middle pocket then role gently back and nestle on the Jack to win the end! This seemed to rip the heart of Butch and inspire Wally (WHO NEVER GETS ANY LUCK) to come back and win 5-2. The Gotts then played Butch (who had stopped crying know) and after a titanic tussle lost narrowly 5-4. Wally then had to play Gotts to finish Group A and again the match went to the final bowl which saw Gottsy deservedly snatch HIS first victory! As all the players had won one match the Count back rule came into play (which wally made up after he lost to Gottsy) and low and behold Wally went into the semi-final! (odds now 2-1)
In group B Ready played Oz on Table 2 with the BOOMARANG bowls. Ready quickly hit some form while Ozzy just 'whinged' and soon Ready was back necking at the bar with a 5-3 victory under his belt. Oz then had to get his act together fast and play the rank outsider 16-1 Daaaarren Laws. Lawsy who has as much finesse as a sumo wrestler blasted every end and although Oz used his TRUMP card (hence his nickname) it didn't deter Lawsy from Gaining his FIRST-EVER victory and send OZ back to the bar to talk about Chelsea!(least they win sometimes). So its Ready or Lawsy for the Semi final spot and was Ready feeling confident! Suddenly in less than the times it takes to down a mixed fruit koppaberg Ready was practicing on the dart board and Lawsy was smirking like a Cheshire Cat!! Lawsy is in the Semi's!!!!! (odds dropped down to 4-1)
Group C or as the players Hos, Chillo & Harrod were dramatically describing as the GROUP OF DEATH started with Chillo playing the 'ever-so-placid' Hos with the latter expecting to win. It was again nip & tuck and at 4-4 and both playing out of their skin when chillo nudged Hos's scoring bowl out and it was set point to chillo! Hos then had to play 'whispering' Paul Harrod (nothing like quiet Craig Harrod) and with Paul doing a running commentary on every bowl it was soon 'Curtains' for Hos with Paul coming out 5-1 victor. The decider, was the match of the super Gobs and who will come through? Well it was close and although Harrod was definitely the loudest it was the outsider who again edged it with 'Casanova' chillo booking the third place in the semi's .(odds slashed to 3-1)
Group D had Baker the bookie doing cartwheels when he saw he was grouped with two of the biggest novices to the game Max (spawn of the manager) Wall and our only 'lady' of the competition Glynis(Teetotal) Wall. Bakes knowing every trick in the book let mother & son play first so he will then play two in a row. This game had more on it then any other match of the night because if Max lost to his mum he said he would go live with his girlfriend!(if one day he could find one!!)
Nerves were jangling and nothing was going right for max when mum got the lead and stayed there. He pegged it back and it ended up 4-4 and yet again it was all on the last end. This was the one the bowls which could wreck a family! But would it? Course it won't! Glyn done what all good mums do and let her son win even without letting him know it! Bakes came to the table, chest sticking out and beat them both 5-2 to claim the final place of the semi's. (odds 1-2 favourite)
It was now 11pm the crowd were going wild and the first semi was between Bakes and Wally. Could the 'Guvnor' stop Bakes and bring him down a peg or two and stop his constant comments of how he's got the competition and all the money in the bag? The answer was no! Wally bottled it at went down without giving him a fight 4-1. Nothing new there! (but he didn't get angry)
The second semi of the two outsiders and a nightmare to the the bookmaker had an excellent match and it was also reported that Lawsy was actually playing good bowls and not relying on BASHING them! It was Chillo who finally came through but all credit to Lawsy who pushed him all the way.
THE FINAL
All the money was now going on Chillo (2-1) just to shut Bakes up and to stop him pocketing all of the wedge but everyone knew it was going to be tough. Wally and the bar even started buying Vodka's and cokes for Bakes in the hope of getting him even more sozzelled. Everyone was watching (except Ozzy and Ready) and from a slow start Chillo was playing brilliant and went into a 4-3 lead. Bakes then 'talked' one right on to the jack before Chillo slipped a backhand swerver and nudged it back out to leave Chillo still holding. Baker had one bowl left to stay in the competition and the Question is has he got the bottle in him? Well after arriving at the club at lunchtime he's more likely to have two bottles inside HIM!!! The bowl was no way near and CHILLO deservedly became the worlds first table bowls champion.
All thanks to Bakes who done a great job running the book, paid everyone out and only ended up £4 down.
Ready was still playing darts and didn't win one all night, Oz bored senseless about Chelsea so became a Trawler Boy instead and Max went happily to his own bed not knowing his mum had thrown it! In fact everyone had a great night!
( someone said that's the 1st thing he's kissed which has not turned into a FROG!)
