In late July 10 of us embarked on Craigos stag which could have easily be described as the a teams pre season tour
3 days of drinkin brought us with many laughs and plenty of ammunition for the coming season.
DAY 1.
After meeting around 9.30am in Rainbow car park the early incidents were to expected, as the usual suspects did not disappoint. Kelvin 'Splat' Self was late, myself 'the weekend sportsman' forgot the sat-nav and was, as per usual hungover, but was joined in this by the other air show drinkers, new signing Smasher George who chucked up on the curb after about 10 mins driving, Gav 'Number 10' Chillo and Danny 'Bardy' Bardwell who warmed up by only getting home from the previous days muff diving activities at 8.30 in the morning. A quiz was written out for us for the journey by Pot Black 'Snail' Chris Read and was won by the team of Hurricane Hitcham, Chillo, Weekend Sportsman and 'Cob on Clown' Ryan 'Stinkler' Lincoln mainly due to the handicap system put into place to prevent the newly named Gary 'Foamy' Flatt from whooping our butts. A joint low score was achieved, and to decide who had to do the forfeit of eating breakfast in full clown attire Foamy and Splat faced off in a paper/scissors/stone battle which was won by Foamy 3-2 in a tense encounter. We then moved onto a few bars and visited jongleurs comedy club which was absolutely hillarious but very expensive as everyone decided to go nuts on shots, the girl selling them seemed to be hanging around alot! i thought it was a little strange that she decided to give me a kiss, 30 f'in quid that cost me. We ended up in the Walkabout bar and had the usual quiet one, as there was to be a big one the next day(I think not). Someone had to be a complete loser and go home first. Thanks Gary 'Foamy' Flatt for being that loser it has given us plenty of ammunition for the coming weeks. Im not sure what time this inexperienced drinker sneaked off but the whisperings around the camp were that it was still day light. Dont worry mate you can drink with Splat next time. Notables on this were Gavin 'Number 10' Chillo who spent most of the later hours trying to pull a bird who was clearly not interested and quote of the day may just have come from the comedian 'Do you know what im gonna do with this meat? IM GONNA PUT IT ............ON THE SCALE!'
DAY 2
We all met at the breakfast table though when I rang a certain Mr Bardwell he replied 'I dont eat breakfast' and didnt want to come, unfortunately for him I had his breakfast with me it was wet and and 5%-Alcohol! we opened up the days proceedings with a boat race at the breakfast table and despite constant whining everyone performed very well apart from number 1 whinger Ryan 'Cob on Clown' Lincoln who was last on the losing team and took the liberty of sipping his in between moans, I would say this was a close run thing but I'd be lying, the winning team consisted of 'Weekend Sportsman', 'One Size Fits All' Hook, Splat, Fluffy and dead beat,well done to 'One Size Fits All' Hook for an excellent effort and Splat who managed to drink twice as much in half the time of everyone else, thank god he cant drink no more. All those not already in clown attire proceeded to get changed, I must say a great effort was made by all on their costumes although predictably Andy Pandy (Weekend Sportsman) seemed to be getting the most stick cheers lads. Good job i can take it 'I'm the best in the world'!
Enough of this and off to the cricket. A good start a nice free taxi ride as apparantley I had already paid for this in advance on my card which I had not even given them the details too (winner!) but I do wish they would stop ringing me about this, get the message im not gonna answer! Many thanks to the security staff who took 2 water pistols, bubbles and silly string off me on entry. The bastards! spoiling my fun, but even still what a good day apart from the extreme heat which no one appreciated but all put up with well, although one person seemed to whinge more than others, no prizes for guessing who, Cob On did not let us down. We enjoyed 3 great matches, done some interviews, got on telly, posed alot, drunk lager and a jolly good time was had by all. The bar shut for an hour so i had a carefully planned nap, oh yes planned! Dont believe what you hear! Hooky nearly burst out of his top, some homeless guy turned up and Middlesex won! well played. Off to the hotel a quick change and out for a drink, although it was late nearly everyone made some sort of effort except Cob On who could have come out but didnt so got the expected stick. They dropped like flies on this occasion as 'Number 10' Chillo, Hooky, Splat and Hurricane all took an early bath. A special mention to Hurricane who would not stop whingeing about wanting a JD and coke so i caved and got it for him. I thinks its still on the table now!thats lost points! and Fluffy who managed to stay up way past his bed time (he was determined not to be the first on this occasion). The 5 who stayed out drunk a few shots and had a few lagers but everyone was dead and off to bed we went via the local gourmet restaurant. Mmm 'chilli sauce my friend?'
DAY 3
Tired and a little hung over we all hit the park armed with a Michael Vaughn cricket set for the weekends big event. What a disaster i picked the worst team ever and we got stuffed by a innings and about a million in a low quality cricket match. My team consisted of all rounder Kelvin 'Splat' Self who couldnt bat, bowl or field and 3 complete non batsmen Myself, Smasher and Chillo, the one shining light for us was Cob On who just 'thought' he was absolutely brilliant well played mate? the winning team of Hooky, Craigo, Foamy, Hurricane and Bardy scored more for the first wicket than we got in two innings, Boo! Shot of the day went to Hurricane Hitcham who played a cracking straight drive, he creamed this right out of the middle it was going like a rocket until ????????????????? he made an error he hadnt allowed for the fact that the worlds greatest sportsman was at the bowlers end this mans record in sporting events is second to everyone, none other than me! Paul 'Weekend Sportsman' Harrod stood between Huricane and sporting greatness, I stuck out a right arm and this scud missile hit my hand at EXTREME(remember this word it may pop up later) pace and it sticks, I've caught it!!!! I'm the best in the world!!!!!!!!and off i went in a celibration that Monty would have been proud of.
A quick change at the hotel and this tired bunch popped off for a few quiet beers or so we thought. We found a bit of air-con enjoyed a few cherry ciders, woo woos, lagers, several shots and some nice food and wine and remarkably everyone was cured! Up for a big one ?
Yes was the answer, where shall we go on a sunday nite in Southampton when everything was shutting? you guessed it!
It was Snakebite Sunday in Walkabout bar and what luck! last Sunday of the month is Foam Party Snake Bite Sunday. Anyone fancy it? at this stage certain people seemed more excited than others the then named Fluffy was particuarly keen as was One Size Fits All Hooky. So off we went! via a couple more drinking establishments. We entered the Walkabout bar and the magic foams powers began to take effect on 1 certain individual, a nearly 40 year old accountant turned into a 16 year old school boy with a bald patch!, Fluffy was a new man he was amongst this foam and you could not drag him away! rolling about on the floor, touching up 6 foot 5inch black blokes, much like my cricket side, this man had no boundries! But little did we know this man had another plan he had spotted something that other lesser mortals had missed! If you go to the front you could experience EXTREME FOAM!!!!!!(der der deeeer) he rounded up his troops and led them fearlessly through the crowds nothing could stop him he was on the rampage until he reached the front and ecstacy was reached he was in his element he had found EXTREME FOAM!yes EXTREME FOAM!! havent took the piss much!!! well done to everyone as we all drank shed loads and stayed till the bitter end. Poor performances on this evening were Hooky who refused to drink snakebite and Chillo who refused to drink everything!
Thanks to everyone who attended it was a great weekend! a few things to clear up though.
*Well done Chillo for being sick on the M25 at 90mph on the way home good work !
*Brilliant out fit by myself for being the only gay looking clown!
*Splat for eating £40's worth of food at the cricket
*Gary Flatts take on fishing 'Id rather chop off my head'
*Hooky on his love for Gemma 'Id like to put her through the wall'
*Splat losing his camera in the bog whilst havin a number 2
*A big thanks to Hitcham for the photos
*Thanks Chillo, Hurricane, Fluffy and Splat for driving
*Happy 21st Smasher
DRINKING RANKINGS
1. CRAIG(STAG) -drank everything put in front of him and experienced every minute of the weekend a sterling effort. Hope you enjoyed yourself.
2. BARDY-this experienced drinker never disappoints and has been a valuble drinking partner for myself all over the world. Cheers mate! he did have a coke on day 2 though bad form!
3. FLUFFY-go on I'll let him have 3, always a great laugh but can be a bit of a twat though! ha ha
4. SMASHER-a good effort by the debutant considering his 1st day hangover! earned his stripes with his help in fetching and organising rounds with me on nights 1 and 2, cheers for your help mate!
5. HOOKY-cheers mate very funny especially the party boy and one size moments! good work on all the strawpedos!
6. HURRICANE - Cheers for the photos! Definitely lost points on the JD moment but thanks for contributing to my greatest sporting moment!
7. STINKLER- he doesnt mind what rank he is so he can go here though im sure he will get a Cob On about it! Cheers for the help with the drinks on the last night bud!
8. SPLAT-cant drink no more but when he could he liked it!alot!
9. I was gonna go last as I dont need a ranking because im an alcoholic and no one will dispute that! but had to go ninth cause Chillo was soooo shit. I only go home early on stags if im in an ambulance! cant wait for the next one guys!
10. CHILLO-absolutely shocking did you wanna leave anymore drinks! if you wanna start training with me I can be found at the pub twice a week! Mon - Wednesday and Thurs- Sunday!
many thanks!
Paul 'Weekend Sportsman' Harrod
(founder of the 'drink yourself into an early grave society')
