Hello Billy
Hello Johnny
Hello everyone
It was nice of Captain Quiff to ask us back for Christmas wasn’t it Johnny
Yes it was Billy and hello to all our nice friends at the Pot Black B.
How have they been getting on Johnny
Well last week they lost in the league to Ex Servicemens A but we know because we were there weren’t we.
Well you were but I might as well not have been cause I didn’t win a game all night.
We were doing ok at 2-2 after the doubles but then we lost the first 5 singles thanks to Legend, Quiff, You, Shoot em up and Wall-E.
Hold on isn’t that last one a Robot
Well if he is he needs an upgrade
There must be a song about that
I then won followed by a loss for Yid before my bruvver won the last game
So we lost 8-4 but we were a bit short of players weren’t we
Yes we were missing Clint and Mozzie
What’s mozzie?
It’s Moysie and Ozzie, you know they always come together a bit like Jedward
Oh good so what happened this week
This week was the KO cup but you missed it Johnny
I know I was feeling a little queer
Now there must definitely be a song about that but couldn’t you have done that on a different night
No I was ill you pillock
Oh sorry Johnny
Anyway we had to play 2 matches against LSSCSCCSCSCCSCSCSCSSSC followed by the factory Arms and we won 5-2 and 5-1 to get to the next round
That’s very good and nice to win the last night of the year before Christmas
Speaking of Christmas Johnny, I’d like to sing some Christmas songs for all our friends.
That’s a good idea Billy but remember to think of health and safety and make sure you don’t offend anyone
What do you mean Johnny
Don’t worry you just sing and I’ll look after the rest
OK then lets start
The Rocking Song
Billy
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir; we will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you, we will rock you, rock you, rock you
Johnny
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative. Please note: only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
Hello Johnny
Hello everyone
It was nice of Captain Quiff to ask us back for Christmas wasn’t it Johnny
Yes it was Billy and hello to all our nice friends at the Pot Black B.
How have they been getting on Johnny
Well last week they lost in the league to Ex Servicemens A but we know because we were there weren’t we.
Well you were but I might as well not have been cause I didn’t win a game all night.
We were doing ok at 2-2 after the doubles but then we lost the first 5 singles thanks to Legend, Quiff, You, Shoot em up and Wall-E.
Hold on isn’t that last one a Robot
Well if he is he needs an upgrade
There must be a song about that
I then won followed by a loss for Yid before my bruvver won the last game
So we lost 8-4 but we were a bit short of players weren’t we
Yes we were missing Clint and Mozzie
What’s mozzie?
It’s Moysie and Ozzie, you know they always come together a bit like Jedward
Oh good so what happened this week
This week was the KO cup but you missed it Johnny
I know I was feeling a little queer
Now there must definitely be a song about that but couldn’t you have done that on a different night
No I was ill you pillock
Oh sorry Johnny
Anyway we had to play 2 matches against LSSCSCCSCSCCSCSCSCSSSC followed by the factory Arms and we won 5-2 and 5-1 to get to the next round
That’s very good and nice to win the last night of the year before Christmas
Speaking of Christmas Johnny, I’d like to sing some Christmas songs for all our friends.
That’s a good idea Billy but remember to think of health and safety and make sure you don’t offend anyone
What do you mean Johnny
Don’t worry you just sing and I’ll look after the rest
OK then lets start
The Rocking Song
Billy
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir; we will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you, we will rock you, rock you, rock you
Johnny
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative. Please note: only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
Jingle Bells
Billy
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh, O'er the fields we go - Laughing all the way ...
Johnny
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
In a one horse open sleigh, O'er the fields we go - Laughing all the way ...
Johnny
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
While Shepherds Watched
Billy
While shepherds watched their flocks by night, all seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down and glory shone around.
Johnny
Johnny
The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA,UVB and Glory.
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Billy
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeerhad a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,you would even say it glows
Johnny
Johnny
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
Little Donkey
Billy
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road; Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
Johnny
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr.Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
We Three Kings
Billy
We three kings of Orient are Bearing gifts we traverse afar -Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Billy
We three kings of Orient are Bearing gifts we traverse afar -Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Johnny
Johnny
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
That’s all for this year
Goodbye Billy
Goodbye Johnny
Goodbye everyone
MERRY CHRISTMAS
That’s all for this year
Goodbye Billy
Goodbye Johnny
Goodbye everyone
MERRY CHRISTMAS
